Sunday, July 24, 2011
I don't mean this to turn into simply an adoption blog, but I have to get something off my chest. Today, I was looking through my Google news alerts, and I came across this article. I normally don't read article comments, knowing they're rife with vitriol and uneducated (or uncaring) attitudes. But I did for this article, and boy, did I regret it.
Most of the comments were directed at parents who choose to adopt internationally, saying that they shouldn't get tax credits and that their choice to adopt internationally must have something to do with a current Hollywood fad. Obviously, most of the commenters are not adoptive parents nor ever will be since their ignorance was shining through. So let me set something straight because I'd rather get angry here than in a face-to-face conversation with someone who really doesn't know the first thing about adoption.
Our kid is in South Korea. You really can't argue with that. We're doing what we feel compelled to do both by God and by our hearts. Adoption is an incredibly complicated process with more winding roads than you can imagine. It's emotional and heart-wrenching and beautiful and heartbreaking. No one comes to the decision to adopt lightly, and as I've said over and over, you can't "accidentally" adopt like you can "accidentally" get pregnant. And it is a decision, no matter how you choose to do it. It's a long and expensive process. A private domestic adoption is approximately the same cost (perhaps a little less) of completing an international adoption. OK, if that's the case, then why choose an international adoption?
We looked over our options. There's foster care, with the ultimate goal of placing the child back with his or her biological family. There are foster-to-adopt programs, but did we really want to go through the possibility of it falling through? A relative stepping forward and offering to adopt instead of us? The emotional upheaval would be tremendous. Domestic adoption, while an attractive option for some, is not a good fit for us. Most domestic adoptions are open adoptions these days, and while some families can handle that delicate situation with the care it needs, we are not prepared to go down that road. As first-time parents, the emotional complexities of those relationships seem too much for us at this point. Up until the child is born and the paperwork signed, the mother has the option to back out. Could we handle that? Could we really walk away from that child after preparing for his or her birth and making plans? Or, in those rare cases, what if the birth mother or birth father changed their minds at a later date and decided to fight to get their child back? And then there's the "marketing" aspect of a domestic adoption. Personally, at this point, I'm not comfortable with creating a profile book for a birth mother to look over, trying to decide based on photos and stories about us if we're the right parents for her child.
Then we looked to international adoption. Since we've always talked about adoption and sort of knew that might be where are lives would eventually end up, it felt like the natural choice. At the end of the process, we're almost guaranteed to bring a child home. There's still a waiting process, but the timelines are more stable. We know for sure what the costs will be. And—for better or for worse—there's no birth family to contend with, possibly revoking the decision to place the child for adoption at the last minute. The children available in Korea have already been relinquished; they're just waiting for their forever families.
I don't look down on anyone who chooses to form their family the way they see fit. I ask the same in return. No one has to live with our family decisions but us. It's hard enough to answer questions from well-meaning family members and friends and coworkers and acquaintances and... Be kind. Don't ask me in the checkout line how much my kid cost me. Don't try to connect our adoption to some political agenda. And please don't ask me to explain my choice to a stranger. Our family may not look the way you expect it to or even want it to, but that doesn't make it any less of a family.
Most of the comments were directed at parents who choose to adopt internationally, saying that they shouldn't get tax credits and that their choice to adopt internationally must have something to do with a current Hollywood fad. Obviously, most of the commenters are not adoptive parents nor ever will be since their ignorance was shining through. So let me set something straight because I'd rather get angry here than in a face-to-face conversation with someone who really doesn't know the first thing about adoption.
Our kid is in South Korea. You really can't argue with that. We're doing what we feel compelled to do both by God and by our hearts. Adoption is an incredibly complicated process with more winding roads than you can imagine. It's emotional and heart-wrenching and beautiful and heartbreaking. No one comes to the decision to adopt lightly, and as I've said over and over, you can't "accidentally" adopt like you can "accidentally" get pregnant. And it is a decision, no matter how you choose to do it. It's a long and expensive process. A private domestic adoption is approximately the same cost (perhaps a little less) of completing an international adoption. OK, if that's the case, then why choose an international adoption?
We looked over our options. There's foster care, with the ultimate goal of placing the child back with his or her biological family. There are foster-to-adopt programs, but did we really want to go through the possibility of it falling through? A relative stepping forward and offering to adopt instead of us? The emotional upheaval would be tremendous. Domestic adoption, while an attractive option for some, is not a good fit for us. Most domestic adoptions are open adoptions these days, and while some families can handle that delicate situation with the care it needs, we are not prepared to go down that road. As first-time parents, the emotional complexities of those relationships seem too much for us at this point. Up until the child is born and the paperwork signed, the mother has the option to back out. Could we handle that? Could we really walk away from that child after preparing for his or her birth and making plans? Or, in those rare cases, what if the birth mother or birth father changed their minds at a later date and decided to fight to get their child back? And then there's the "marketing" aspect of a domestic adoption. Personally, at this point, I'm not comfortable with creating a profile book for a birth mother to look over, trying to decide based on photos and stories about us if we're the right parents for her child.
Then we looked to international adoption. Since we've always talked about adoption and sort of knew that might be where are lives would eventually end up, it felt like the natural choice. At the end of the process, we're almost guaranteed to bring a child home. There's still a waiting process, but the timelines are more stable. We know for sure what the costs will be. And—for better or for worse—there's no birth family to contend with, possibly revoking the decision to place the child for adoption at the last minute. The children available in Korea have already been relinquished; they're just waiting for their forever families.
I don't look down on anyone who chooses to form their family the way they see fit. I ask the same in return. No one has to live with our family decisions but us. It's hard enough to answer questions from well-meaning family members and friends and coworkers and acquaintances and... Be kind. Don't ask me in the checkout line how much my kid cost me. Don't try to connect our adoption to some political agenda. And please don't ask me to explain my choice to a stranger. Our family may not look the way you expect it to or even want it to, but that doesn't make it any less of a family.
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1 comment:
What a thoughtful explanation of your feelings (and a helpful insight into the process as well). Thank you for this, it helps me understand some of what adoptive parents have to consider and how they might feel.
And yeah, comment sections are so full of vitriol. For my sanity, I tend to avoid them.
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