Thursday, March 17, 2011
Ever since I let word out that we'll be adopting from China, I keep getting the question, "Why?" The question is phrased in several different ways. For instance, "Why would you adopt internationally? Aren't there kids here who need homes?" Another favorite, "You just don't know what you'll get when you adopt. Why would you do that?" And, "An international adoption is so expensive. You know you can adopt for almost free here, right?"
The answer to all of it is yes. Yes, there are kids who need homes here. Yes, I know what I'm getting: a child who needs a home. And yes, international adoption is expensive, no doubt about it. But really, if I want to be honest and blunt, how we choose to form our family really isn't anyone else's business. I'm too polite to say so in daily conversation, but if I were to ask you how you decided to have a biological child instead of adopting, wouldn't you be taken aback? It's the same thing.
It's appalling how comfortable people become with saying things to someone they know is adopting they otherwise wouldn't say...or at least they wouldn't say it out loud.
So, why are we adopting from China? That's the big one. First of all, we feel led to it. We both feel God has been pushing us toward this for a long time, and now that we're old enough to qualify and have made the decision that children are in our future, we're ready to move forward. Secondly...we have more personal reasons that I am not willing to share here. Third, it's our budget and our money. As long as we can afford it and proceed, why does our budget suddenly become available for public scrutiny because we've shared our intent to adopt? We want people to celebrate with us—not critique our decision to adopt a child from overseas. Just because our child wasn't born in the U.S. doesn't make her any less loved or accepted. Finally, I hate to break it to you, but when you give birth to a child, you don't know what your child is going to be like either. Every child is unique—even yours. Expecting him or her to be just like you is probably going to lead to disappointment.
It's frustrating to explain ourselves over and over again, and I know this is all part of the process. At some point, we will figure out a way of replying without replying. I'm not there yet. I know people are curious. I can't blame them. However, there is a polite and non-nosy way to ask questions. Chances are if you approach it from the point of genuine interest and without condemnation of their choice, adoptive parents are much more likely to want to share their experiences with you.
The answer to all of it is yes. Yes, there are kids who need homes here. Yes, I know what I'm getting: a child who needs a home. And yes, international adoption is expensive, no doubt about it. But really, if I want to be honest and blunt, how we choose to form our family really isn't anyone else's business. I'm too polite to say so in daily conversation, but if I were to ask you how you decided to have a biological child instead of adopting, wouldn't you be taken aback? It's the same thing.
It's appalling how comfortable people become with saying things to someone they know is adopting they otherwise wouldn't say...or at least they wouldn't say it out loud.
So, why are we adopting from China? That's the big one. First of all, we feel led to it. We both feel God has been pushing us toward this for a long time, and now that we're old enough to qualify and have made the decision that children are in our future, we're ready to move forward. Secondly...we have more personal reasons that I am not willing to share here. Third, it's our budget and our money. As long as we can afford it and proceed, why does our budget suddenly become available for public scrutiny because we've shared our intent to adopt? We want people to celebrate with us—not critique our decision to adopt a child from overseas. Just because our child wasn't born in the U.S. doesn't make her any less loved or accepted. Finally, I hate to break it to you, but when you give birth to a child, you don't know what your child is going to be like either. Every child is unique—even yours. Expecting him or her to be just like you is probably going to lead to disappointment.
It's frustrating to explain ourselves over and over again, and I know this is all part of the process. At some point, we will figure out a way of replying without replying. I'm not there yet. I know people are curious. I can't blame them. However, there is a polite and non-nosy way to ask questions. Chances are if you approach it from the point of genuine interest and without condemnation of their choice, adoptive parents are much more likely to want to share their experiences with you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Wait until you get the "you'll never love them as much as your own children."
My parents got that with me and I get it now with my step children.
People are such idiots.
It's so rude. And they seem to have no concept of how that might make the kids feel.
I just came across your blog through TMMO...We have adopted twice from China in 2005 and 2008. Just wanted to say congratulations, the whole adoption experience is amazing! I don't think people realize how rude the questions can be. Our answer was the same as yours...I would simply tell people God led us to adopt from China. I can't answer for why he didn't lead us to adopt in the US. Yes, it's expensive, but God is providing everything! That was usually enough to end the questioning. Best wishes on your journey :) Toni in Alabama
Thanks so much, Toni! We're very excited, but I can't help but be bothered by the not-so-subtle digs. I suspect people just don't think before opening their mouths. It's hurtful, and I would hate for our daughter to hear any of it. :(
A big Congratulations to you and your family. I can't believe how petty people can be when it comes to something as important and personal as building a family. I think you guys ROCK! :D
Congrats to you! I can't imagine why people think they need to be anything other than happy for you, what an amazing blessing!
Post a Comment