To Be Or Not To Be

Will and I have talked about adopting a child since we first met eight and a half years ago. Will's philosophy has always been, "Why bring another child into the world when there are so many already out there who need homes?" And I suppose my philosophy aligns with his, but I also always imagined I would have my own children. In 2005, I kissed that idea goodbye when I was diagnosed with my eye condition. The drug that is injected into my eye--Avastin--is a VEGF inhibitor. In other words, it prevents new blood vessels from growing in my eye. But because a small amount of the drug leaks out into the body, a woman cannot be pregnant and receive treatment. VEGF is needed for a fetus to develop. In order for us to have our own biological children, I would need to stop treatment for most of the pregnancy. I could be risking losing most of the vision in my right eye, and I'm not sure I'm willing to take on the risk as selfish as that may sound.

It's a tough choice to make: take a huge risk with the remaining vision in my right eye or give up the idea of biological children. After many discussions with my ophthalmologist and Will, we tabled the idea of having our own children. And then we decided we might want our own children. And then we decided we might not want children at all. Now, we're back to discussing adoption.

When I think of adopting a child, my mind wanders to China or Korea. I'm drawn to those countries. In particular, I'm strongly drawn to China because of the amount of girls given up to orphanages because boys are preferred there. I've never imagined having just one child. I've always thought I would like at least two. I'm okay with one, but there's something about having a sibling around to share things with that makes life a little easier. So...Will and I have begun tossing around the idea of adopting twins because you are allowed to do that. Not only would our children have a blood-related sibling, but it would greatly reduce adoption costs on our end because we would only need to make one trip. While the idea of adopting two children at once is overwhelming, I find it also a little exciting. Having twins would be an adventure, and I'm absolutely fascinated by them.

We like our lifestyle--the freedom to travel when we want, the extra money to buy nice things, the quiet house after work. But someone pointed out to me recently that we should sit down and imagine our lives in a few years when we're still alone. If that doesn't appeal to us, then maybe having kids is a good decision. And when we talked about it, yes, we can see ourselves as just a couple with no kids, but we could also see ourselves as parents taking our children with us wherever we go and helping them grow into loving, productive members of society. Hey, maybe they would give us grandchildren to enjoy and visit us when we're too old to visit them.

I'm still not absolutely positive I want kids, but as I approach 30, I find myself thinking about it more and more. Interestingly, we watched the movie Four Christmases this past weekend. I saw a lot of Will and me in it. As much as we've talked about kids, I think maybe we want to be parents, but because we have to make the conscious decision to enter the adoption process, it isn't as easy as just turning up pregnant one day. Once you're pregnant, you're kind of "all in" whether you want to be or not. But with adoption, you really are making the choice to be a parent, making the choice to love someone unconditionally, making the choice to sculpt this little person's life, making the choice to meet your child in another country, and making the choice to answer (or not) questions when someone asks why your child doesn't look like you.

We still have a lot to think about, but we're moving closer to making a decision. When we make it--like most of our other decisions--it will be quick, and we'll move toward the process rapidly.